


A One-Sided Conversation

by innersanctuaries



Series: NaNoWriMo Short Fics [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 11:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12680685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innersanctuaries/pseuds/innersanctuaries
Summary: I have a lot to say, and I know you'll listen, so I'll just spit it out now.





	A One-Sided Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> Hello ladies and gents, welcome back to our regularly scheduled angst! 
> 
> Yesterday I came to the conclusion that short fluffy oneshots are a massive bitch to write. Don't get me wrong, I CAN write fluff, but I feel the need to develop a whole backstory and plot and pack it with dialogue and cute and and and...
> 
> Therefore I stick with angst! Hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> Inspo song is the theme song to the pink panther (courtesy of my 14 year old sister bingewatching the fuck out of the show for the seventieth time).

 I’ve always loved your wings, but I’ve never really told you. I've seen them more times than I can count, but five times have really stood out to me.

 

 That first time I saw them, lightning lit up the barn, showing us shadows of these massive wings. It almost felt like the lightning had struck me, I swear that I couldn’t have moved even if I’d tried. I don’t know if it was fear, or maybe it was amazement. Coulda been both. Either way, my heart was beating faster than it ever had before, and I had no idea why. I think I know now, though.

 

 The second time I saw them, we’d been arguing. It was something petty, something stupid. You got mad, which made a lightbulb or five shatter when you clenched your jaw, glaring at me like you wanted to smite my sorry ass. In the dark, someone turned on a flashlight, I don’t even remember if it was me or Sam. But that light? Just that was bright enough to show your wings, angrily flared out behind you. I remember my mouth going dry, my words stopped working for me. That argument ended pretty quickly after that, I couldn’t keep going after seeing that. We both hated ourselves for it, and you came to me later with those bright blue puppy eyes of yours. You said sorry, I said it back. It was one of those nights where we found a park bench somewhere in the middle of the night and just sat quietly. That’s one thing I appreciate about you, your ability to stay with me in silence, but still be able to keep me from feeling lonely.

 

 The third time I saw them, I was getting beaten into the ground. My nose was broken, and my arm was fucked. I don’t think I’ll ever forget seeing the bone stickin’ straight out of the skin on my arm. But your wings? God, no matter how many times I think about it, my stomach always drops straight to my knees. Right as you shivved that demon, lightning showed your wings again. It hurt so bad, seeing them so ruffled and unruly, looking neglected and on their way to falling apart. You didn’t give a damn about it, just walked over and healed me, asking if I was okay. God, you were so worried about me. I meant to ask you about it, to say  _ something,  _ but I never did. I never do, huh? Always keepin’ everything hidden inside, that’s me.

 

 The fourth time I saw them, I couldn’t stop staring. It wasn’t a good thing. I stood and stared at the shadow of what used to be your wings. They were just bones then, with  _ maybe _ a few feathers hangin’ on for dear life. You collapsed and I caught you, and you know what, Cas? I was scared. I was terrified that you were gonna die, that maybe I was gonna lose my best friend, the man I’m in-

 

 Let’s not finish that sentence.

 

 I’ve always loved your wings, but it’s not because they’re beautiful. It’s because they’re a part of you, y’know? I’ve never said this before because I don’t know how to. I still don’t know how to, Cas. I don’t know if I ever will.

 

 But I’ll try, because now is as good a time as any. I love you. There it is. I said it. I love you and I love the head tilt thing you do when you’re confused or thinking. I love you and I love it when you smile, even if it doesn’t happen too often, usually thanks to me. I love you and I love how you look at me like I’m the whole world, and how you just shrug when I ask you why the hell you’re starin’ at me. I just really love you.

 

 The fifth time I saw your wings, that’s right now. I don’t even know why I’m still here. I don’t know why I haven’t gone inside after Sam. I should, but I don’t know if I have the energy to get up. Your wings have gotten better, I can tell that much. They’re still just as beautiful now as they were the day we first met. I’m still going to make sure they’re gone before I go. 

 

 I wish I could be seeing them somewhere else, not burnt into the ground. I wish I wasn’t talking to nobody, Cas. But if I stop talking, then you’re really dead, and I don’t think I’m ready for that again. I lost too many people tonight, but you? I can’t lose you, not like this. So yeah, I think I’ll keep sitting here and talking to you. 

 

 You should be sitting here next to me, and we should be celebrating a victory. We should be out here with Sam, that sly bastard Crowley, the witch bitch, and mom. We should be happy that we finally got rid of Lucifer, dammit! But we’re not, and you’re not, and I should have stayed with you! If I wouldn’t have let Sam drag me out, if I would have grabbed you and taken you with us, you’d still be here! I should have done more, I should have tried harder.

 

 And now? Now I’m sitting here finally telling you what I’ve always wanted to say, but it’s too late. That’s always how it is, isn’t it? I always wait too long, always wait ‘til the very last minute. Looks like I waited past the very last minute and fucked up. Now I’m sitting here and talking to a dead body,  _ your  _ dead body, trying to kid myself into thinking that this isn’t real. 

  
 But it is, and that’s why I’m saying goodbye now. Can you believe that the only kiss I’ve ever given you is one on the cheek on your cold body? I wish I couldn’t believe it. I’m the only person to blame, though. Nothing I can do about it anymore. Nothing I can do anymore but say I love you and goodbye, Cas.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not too sure that I got Dean right in this, but I do think I got the self hatred and constant regret down pat. Poor, poor Dean. This is what he gets from me for treating my sweet baby Jack the way he's been treating him lately. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed it! Please comment feedback, it helps keep me motivated and lets me know what you guys do and don't like!
> 
> Follow me on Instagram at @archangelica_angelica or on tumblr at innersanctuaries if you want to get in touch or just to watch me shitpost!


End file.
